Jokes!!

[RobertM]

NOTE: This is in general, not spam. Act as such.

NOTE2: DON'T POST SHITTY JOKES.
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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this.

I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator......."

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A busload of Catholic schoolgirls is hit by a train on its way to school. All the girls go up to heaven to be reviewed by St. Peter for entry. When they arrive, they all line up outside the gate. St. Peter calls the first girls forward and asks, "Beth, have you ever come into contact with a penis?"

Beth giggles and replies, "I once touched the head of one with my finger."

St. Peter says, "Well, then dip the tip of your finger in this holy water and pass through the gates." Beth does this and walks into heaven. St. Peter calls forward the next girl.

"Amy," he says, "have you ever come into contact with a penis?"

Amy blushes and responds, "I once stroked and fondled one."

St. Peter says, "Well, then dip your whole hand into the holy water and pass through the gates." Amy does so, and walks into heaven.

At this point there is a huge commotion in the line, and one girl pushes her way quickly to the front. St. Peter is startled and asks, "What's the matter Samantha?" To which Samantha replies:

"Hey, if I'm gonna have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Patricia sticks her ass in it!"

[123prince]

Wow, those are hilarious, the first one took some thought though lol.

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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[RobertM]

AHAHAHAHAHA!!! That was awesome

[123prince]

w00t! Cool points for the Prince-man!

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Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My
name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a
WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

[Zeo 3 4 3]

lawlz

[123prince]

Yes. Yes. Laugh, Please laugh!

[RobertM]

Ok I guess my favourite joke is the one where the dude comes to this hotel in the middle night and he asks for a room. The dude there is like, well ok, but there is only the attic left, and I have to warn you, it is haunted by the ghost of the great white elephant (I dont know what the symbolism of the elephant being white and great is, but I think it is important). The dude doesnt believe in ghosts, so he laughs it off and accepts the room.

So, he grabs his suitcase and goes up the stairs, up the stairs and around the corner, and there in the hallway, there is this huge hole in the floor blocking his path, so he goes back around the corner, down the stairs and down the stairs and buys himself a ladder he can use to cross the hole. He goes back up the stairs, up the stairs and around the corner and climbs across the hole, and up the stairs up, up the stairs and around the corner and there in the hallway is this fucking lake. He is a little surprised, but he sees he cant get around it so he goes back around the corner, down the stairs and down the stairs, climbs across the hole, and goes around the corner down the stairs and down the stairs and buys himself a dinghy. He goes back up the stairs, up the stairs and around the corner and climbs over the hole, then he goes up the stairs up the stairs and rows across the lake, and goes up the stairs, up the stairs and around the corner and there is this rainforest there. So he goes around the corner down the stairs, and down the stairs and rows across the lake and goes around the corner, down the stairs and down the stairs and climbs across the hole and goes round the corner, down the stairs, down the stairs and buys himself a machete. He climbs back up the stairs, up the stairs and across the hole, goes up the stairs, up the stairs and rows across the lake, goes up the stairs, up the stairs and cuts his way through the jungle and finally makes it to his room.

So he settles down for the night, and falls asleep, until midnight when he is awoken by a voice.
"I am the ghost of the great white elephant and I am going to eat you". The dude quickly bolts out the door in is pyjamas, and quickly cuts his way through the jungle and runs around the corner, down the stairs, down the stairs and rows across the lake, and sprints around the corner, down the stairs, down the stairs and climbs across the hole, and runs around the corner, down the stairs, down the stairs and out into the lobby where the ghost is standing in front of him.
Exhausted, the man gives up trying to escape and says
"before you eat me, I must know, how did you get down here so fast"
to which the ghost replies
"I took the elevator."

[123prince]

Lulz, "I took the Elevator."

[Damien Obsidius]

this tread is genius

[123prince]

Tread? TYPOS!

No. Not Genius. FUCKING EPIC!